I Ching, My Daughters, and Me

             For the last week, my I Ching has repeatedly encouraged me to return my life to balance. The same hexagram everyday for an entire week is never a good thing. What, I wondered daily, was blocking me? "Burdens of the ego," was the answer (my interpretation) the I Ching kept giving. Being a mother of four school age students, being in college myself, and a wife makes for quite the hectic schedule. How was I supposed to identify what the burden/block I was experiencing was? The I Ching told me that too.....give some time to myself, consecrated, sacred time set aside for myself. So, I started off the first day at 5 am for my "time." I found nothing, but the need for an early nap. The block to my creativity and ability to maintain my equanimity continued and I gave up, the burden would find me itself.
          Saturday morning at 6 am I woke up and readied myself to walk to the farmer's market. My twins were awake, so they came along too. About two blocks from the market, my 5 year old daughter began to skip and squeal with delight. I remembered how I loved to skip too; I was like Forrest Gump with his running. Why walk when you can skip? It is much more fun! I remembered the things I thought when I skipped. How I escaped into an imaginary world where everything was right. Where birds sang beautiful songs and floated down on your shoulder to say good morning. I found myself hoping my daughter didn't need to escape and that I had a place in her daydreams while skipping. We tasted great foods and bought plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. We returned home and I began making fresh bread.
          Later in the afternoon, my oldest daughter, the twins, and I went for a walk to the ice cream shop. We had a great time. Not long after we arrived home, I received a phone call, from a sherriff's deputy. Just great! My mom was being arrested. I called out to my oldest daughter to quickly bring me a pen and paper. She responded with "what?" Angered I shouted "I need a pen and paper now!" She still didn't understand me. Frustrated with the situation her younger brother declared "in the panda cup!" She handed me the pen and I jotted down the numbers I would need to inquire what to do about my mother. Thoroughly frustrated, kneeding bread dough seemed to be the answer to my anxious nerves. While kneeding the dough, I could faintly hear "mom" being called down the hall. I ignored it because as usual I had no time for teenage demands. Again, but this time more urgent, faintly I heard "mom" twice. I marched down the hallway and spat out "what?" To my horror, my 14 year old daughter was not ok. Her entire body heaved as she tried to talk to me. She was becoming more upset and began to cry. As I looked her over, felt her head for fever, and began to question her, I began to realize she had experienced a severe medical issue. Her eyes were fully dialated with no iris showing and she wasn't able to easily move her body. She had a seizure while I was pissed at her. I was devastated. How could I just assume she was being a "pain" as teenagers usually are?How could I have denied her sensitivity when she needed it most? To the hospital we would go, but much like her mother, this would be a fight. After 30 minutes of threats to drag her if necessary, she finally agreed to go. She stumbled down the hall and out to the waiting car. The hospital had no answers, just more tests her doctor would need to run. 6 hours later, we were back home.
            I sat with my I Ching, again, and it said the same exact thing once again. "Seriously?" I thought. What in the world am I supposed to do? I took myself to the art museum, alone for once, and there in a painting from the turn of the century was my oldest daughter. Dressed in a sailor's uniform and hung beautifully for all the world to see. I wondered in awe at the painting, but was elated to realize if my daughter wanted to, she wouldn't be resigned to play dress up as a sailor, she can be one! I hoped in that moment she knew I will support whatever path her life takes; whatever choice she makes. I still felt no "answer" for my burden.
           Today, me and the I Ching, again the exact same hexagram! So, I locked my door, turned up Beethoven,  and waited for the answer. Finally, it came. The same hopes,  regrets, dreams, and worries I have for my daughters, I need to give to myself. I worry about them, I hope for them, I would fight to the death and kill for them (my sons too). I must remember I once was those two young girls. Skipping to escape, but no mother to protect me. There is the answer, my burden is fear. It always has been, but how do I let it go?
       Another poem. I guess I have had too much emotion lately, so poetry will be my outlet:
Little Girl

I see you little girl
From the past,
Those memories you burn,
They last.
I see you little girl,
With your smile so big.
Isn't it fun,
To skip down the path.
Where is your mother?
Could it be,
She grew up?
Somehow, you got me.
Where is your mother?
Did she say,
She would watch
And keep you
Safe?
I see you little girl
So scared.
No compassion for you
Only pity.
I see you little girl
Wishing to fight.
Fight for the life
You dream.
Where is your mother?
Is she gone,
Back in her head,
Where the voices consume her.
Where is your mother?
Are you alone?
In this mischievous land?
I see you little girl,
Half grown.
Powerful  inside,
Yet gentle without.
I see you little girl,
Take my hand.
Great memories
Will we make;
Old memories
To replace.

            Too many people have tried to tell me I don't know how to be a mother. True, I didn't have the "best" around, but she was my mother nevertheless. Why do we think we must model ourselves after another to do  "right" and avoid "wrong?" My daughters are mine, and I must remind myself I am their mother. No one else could do what I do. Not with my girls. I also have to mourn for the little girl who dealt with my life. If it weren't for her trials, I would never have triumphed! Tomorrow, I hope, the burden will have lifted and I can return to peace.