Season Reasoning

The last few months have been chaotic for me. I am still very unclear as to my mother's charges against her, her condition, her psychological state, etc... With the holidays singing in the air, I have struggled terribly to be happy with everyone else. My mind keeps going back to the most ridiculous scenarios I have dealt with for the last decade and a half.

One memory that refuses to leave my mind is how my mother was treated, in my presence, by a mental health tech in Lake City, Florida. My mother had been on a "petty crime" spree and the jail transferred her to an indigent facility, I later transferred her to a better facility in Gainesville, Fl. The building was beige, all beige even the chairs. It stunk and it was tiny. There were 30-40 patients in a small T.V. room to the side of the intake room where I met police as they transferred my mom. She had been there just the previous week and getting her transferred the week before had been unsuccessful by phone, so I chose to drive the 100 miles to do it in person. It was required that this facility take her vitals before we loaded her back into the police cruiser and head south to her usual facility. I stepped in quietly and listened as the barely-eighteen tech began taking her vitals. My mother was calm and doing as he asked, raising her arm for the blood-pressure cuff, lifting her tongue for the thermometer, etc..

He began speaking to her extremely condescendingly, but I knew he didn't know who I was so I chose to keep my mouth shut. He began "Now Juliet, are you going to behave for me this time?" She was still being perfectly cooperative. He continued "You don't want this to get physical again do you? You aren't going to act like you did last week, you saw how that ended for you!" and with his last statement I opened my mouth. I questioned first "do you realize I am her daughter?" He shook his head no, then decided to jump to his own defense, "you didn't see it! She was a wild woman!" I cut him off "and she is being perfectly fine now. I understand she can get belligerent, but you are trying to instigate her to action!" "I am not!" he retorted. With my smirk and head wobble I began my speech "if I am here right now and you are speaking to her this way, what are you doing to the family-less patients here? I do believe you are the reason my mother had 2 black eyes last week, I was suspicious of that, but now I know!" His supervisor came out to intervene and "deescalate" the "situation." He explained the tech was new and please forgive his indiscretion. I refused forgiveness and demanded he be fired, the supervisor looked at me blankly and said "no!" I requested his supervisor, whom conveniently was on vacation, and a contact number. I called numerous times and was never contacted nor informed whether the tech still works there. I cannot let go of what my mind tells me happens to those patients that don't have family willing to intervene.

It is extremely difficult balancing having my mother around when I have 4 children myself. I often worry, and am blatantly told by some, that her being around my kids will damage them somehow. I never choose her over my children, when an incident beyond control takes place, thankfully there have only been a few. My children love and accept my mother. My older two understand there are issues that play into the often strange advice that comes from her, but they have a tremendous understanding of how delicate our minds truly are. They are fully aware of how grateful they should be for their minds and ability to think. The twins adore my mother, and while sometimes they know she does silly things, she meets them at their level and they have a kinship with one another. If it weren't for my being unwilling to forget my mother, I don't know what would have happened to her.

Yes, "letting her go" would realistically be "simpler" for me, but deep within me I cannot do it! I rarely receive thanks from my mother, but when I do it is touching. My heart hurts for those like my mother defenseless and in our justice system. They have no one fighting for them, no one in their corner, and are often "demonized" by local media. They receive no fair trial, because so many have used "insanity" pleas, and accept whatever heavy-handed judgement is deemed. They sit in prisons, often being taken advantage of by other inmates, and waste away. No visitors, no letters, no commissary money, nothing. Those that make it to hospitals for their sentence often end up in indigent care where "techs" are a dime a dozen and provoke their illness.

I am currently working on getting my mother's official police incidents, papers, etc... I have help from a family member that is an attorney and she has been such an amazing gift! Truly I hope my mother will not die in a prison in Georgia, but the possibility remains. The next time you see a "demonized" criminal whose actions seemed unreal, they may have been. They may be like my mother.

Selfish

"Give 'till it hurts" and "walk that extra mile" are preached from pulpit and stage across the world, but have you ever truly done that? If so, you understand the strain these two statements have. Children have been brainwashed with these for generations and as adults discover they come up short every time. Why do they preach this nonsense? Because if you are willing to give everything, you are completely their puppet. These two statements are always synonymous with their supposed "evil" opposite of "selfish, self-centered, and greedy." There is a huge flaw in these "moral" teachings; when you give all of your "self" to another you no longer control the one thing you are guaranteed for your entire lifetime.

A more accurate form of these two statements would be:

"Let me tell you what to do and don't dare complain about it"

 and

"When you think you have done enough, you're wrong"

With these two weapons, generations have been imprisoned by those that they have given authority over their lives. Suicide is prevalent in our country and most didn't believe themselves "worthy" of this life or the shame and hurt were unbearable. How could they when they never walk far enough or hurt enough? Dare go against the "teachings?" Selfish! is labeled on you immediately; wretched, selfish fool! You strayed from the "good" flock. 

Having been victimized terribly as a child, I found myself looking for a savior. Church taught me to "give it to god," but I did and I felt worse. God wasn't saving me and the pain was worse, because now I had to contend with not being worthy of the help. "You don't have enough faith" was the answer I was given. Never truly any answers; dare question enough and find yourself solemnly "counseled" to find another church. There is a reason they want you to never search your own soul; you will find yourself and there will be no more room for them. No more "proving" yourself worthy and no more hurting. 

My soul found itself screaming out to me about 3 years ago. As usual, I tried to sweep all my hurt back under the rug, but this time the pieces had shattered so many times they were now the size of single grains of sand. I had no choice but to pick up each piece individually and deal with that problem. It was the biggest fight of my life.

Each piece hurt worse than the previous, but as I searched for closure I noticed my burdens being lifted. I began to realize all the knowledge of this life, "my" life was within my own soul. There was no reason to fight to be worthy of another's imagination and demands because I am worthy. I began to rescue that hurt little girl from my past and grow to the woman my life was destined for. There was no more falling on the altar and begging for escape because all I needed was in my own soul.

Our bodies and our soul are the only things we are guaranteed to have our whole life. That being said, take care of them! Don't willingly give them away to another because you fear you can't possibly care for your self. Self preservation is key and if you refuse you'll end up dead until you die. Selfishness is used to shame people. Would you shame a baby for crying because they were hungry (I have discovered there actually are some freaks that preach babies are indeed selfish and should be spanked for their incessant crying. This statement does not include these demons)? No, it wouldn't be considered evil. It is only considered evil by the one that asked you to give what you couldn't. We allow these perpetrators to hurt us by accepting selfishness as shameful.

What then is selfishness? It isn't evil as some want and need you to believe. Selfish, to me, means tending to my soul. If my soul needs rest, peace, harmony, to say no, to say yes, to give, to receive, to love, to be intimate, to smile, cry, laugh, or scream, I let it! I refuse to be shamed by any that are insecure and believe they need my soul. Wretched soul stealing monsters they are! Don't give in no matter the pressure. You have permission give it to your self! I am the master of my universe and now that I have reclaimed my soul, don't dare try to steal it!

Too many people need to recover and conquer. Too many believe the man-crafted lies to keep them under-thumb. Flush out those shameful teachings! Let them flit away in the wind! Don't be ashamed of YOUR successes, everyone can succeed if they choose. Sadly, many refuse to choose themselves; because that my dear, would be selfish.

"Freedom will you find, when your own soul you seek"

-Jennifer Young