Selfish

"Give 'till it hurts" and "walk that extra mile" are preached from pulpit and stage across the world, but have you ever truly done that? If so, you understand the strain these two statements have. Children have been brainwashed with these for generations and as adults discover they come up short every time. Why do they preach this nonsense? Because if you are willing to give everything, you are completely their puppet. These two statements are always synonymous with their supposed "evil" opposite of "selfish, self-centered, and greedy." There is a huge flaw in these "moral" teachings; when you give all of your "self" to another you no longer control the one thing you are guaranteed for your entire lifetime.

A more accurate form of these two statements would be:

"Let me tell you what to do and don't dare complain about it"

 and

"When you think you have done enough, you're wrong"

With these two weapons, generations have been imprisoned by those that they have given authority over their lives. Suicide is prevalent in our country and most didn't believe themselves "worthy" of this life or the shame and hurt were unbearable. How could they when they never walk far enough or hurt enough? Dare go against the "teachings?" Selfish! is labeled on you immediately; wretched, selfish fool! You strayed from the "good" flock. 

Having been victimized terribly as a child, I found myself looking for a savior. Church taught me to "give it to god," but I did and I felt worse. God wasn't saving me and the pain was worse, because now I had to contend with not being worthy of the help. "You don't have enough faith" was the answer I was given. Never truly any answers; dare question enough and find yourself solemnly "counseled" to find another church. There is a reason they want you to never search your own soul; you will find yourself and there will be no more room for them. No more "proving" yourself worthy and no more hurting. 

My soul found itself screaming out to me about 3 years ago. As usual, I tried to sweep all my hurt back under the rug, but this time the pieces had shattered so many times they were now the size of single grains of sand. I had no choice but to pick up each piece individually and deal with that problem. It was the biggest fight of my life.

Each piece hurt worse than the previous, but as I searched for closure I noticed my burdens being lifted. I began to realize all the knowledge of this life, "my" life was within my own soul. There was no reason to fight to be worthy of another's imagination and demands because I am worthy. I began to rescue that hurt little girl from my past and grow to the woman my life was destined for. There was no more falling on the altar and begging for escape because all I needed was in my own soul.

Our bodies and our soul are the only things we are guaranteed to have our whole life. That being said, take care of them! Don't willingly give them away to another because you fear you can't possibly care for your self. Self preservation is key and if you refuse you'll end up dead until you die. Selfishness is used to shame people. Would you shame a baby for crying because they were hungry (I have discovered there actually are some freaks that preach babies are indeed selfish and should be spanked for their incessant crying. This statement does not include these demons)? No, it wouldn't be considered evil. It is only considered evil by the one that asked you to give what you couldn't. We allow these perpetrators to hurt us by accepting selfishness as shameful.

What then is selfishness? It isn't evil as some want and need you to believe. Selfish, to me, means tending to my soul. If my soul needs rest, peace, harmony, to say no, to say yes, to give, to receive, to love, to be intimate, to smile, cry, laugh, or scream, I let it! I refuse to be shamed by any that are insecure and believe they need my soul. Wretched soul stealing monsters they are! Don't give in no matter the pressure. You have permission give it to your self! I am the master of my universe and now that I have reclaimed my soul, don't dare try to steal it!

Too many people need to recover and conquer. Too many believe the man-crafted lies to keep them under-thumb. Flush out those shameful teachings! Let them flit away in the wind! Don't be ashamed of YOUR successes, everyone can succeed if they choose. Sadly, many refuse to choose themselves; because that my dear, would be selfish.

"Freedom will you find, when your own soul you seek"

-Jennifer Young

Laughter Gets Me Through It

        While many people are often shocked to hear what I have been through with my mom, many times I choose to laugh rather than giving in and crying myself to sleep. Police officers have become street psychiatrists; unfortunately, this is neither fair to the mentally
Ill facing arrest nor the officer. A rookie officer got "broke in " well a couple years back when he called me, my mother's official contact in these situations, to inquire of her "mental state."
        My mother had been hallucinating for weeks and fasting to purge demons from her life.  Many midnight calls had been received from her at my house; in each, she was frantically begging me to seek forgiveness from the voodoo witch I had apparently pissed off. The witch had sent a message to my mother, via a german shepherd in my mother's yard, that I must be sacrificed for my sins. I ignored these as usual, did not call the police for a welfare check because I knew it was futile with as elusive as my mom can be in these episodes, and hoped she would somehow get herself placed on a mental hold. My mother was being tormented by the demons she saw and they were commanding her to do as they wished.
         She later described these events to me, I am explaining them prior to my phone call from " the rookie" ( I have names for them I make up) to help set the scene. The events she described:
      Her priest had given her special prayers to ward off the demons tormenting her. As she began the prayers, with rosary in hand, her house began to shake. The walls moved as if flags driven by the wind and the floor became gelatin like. This opened a portal for demons, sent by the witch, to interact with her. They told her she was no match for them and they were now attacking her seven fold. They threatened to dismember me and spread my bowels in the great lake of fire if she did not do as commanded. They began by making her remove her clothes then walk to the riverbank beneath her home. As she looked out across the moon blanketed water, she saw the orange glow of gator eyes. The demons commanded her to get in. She pleaded not to and again they threatened me. She did as she was told. She said they made her stay until dawn. When the sun rose, the demons commanded her to walk to a nearby home. There was a young mother outside playing with her toddler son. The demons commanded she kill them, my mother begged them to kill her instead. The demons replied "instead of killing them, walk to her garden and pee in it." My mother did as she was told and was commanded to walk into the woods and not stop until the demons returned to direct her. For four nights she wandered in those woods until the demons returned. They promised not to kill me if she walked to the interstate and committed suicide in the median for all the world to see. She obeyed.
     With the back story in mind, hopefully, understanding of my actions with "the rookie" might make sense. I hadn't heard from my mom for ten days (truly a short time in comparison to her usual) when I received the officer's call. I knew it was an officer by the area code, I also knew it wasn't being routed through the dispatch team at the sherriff's office, this was a personal cell phone; absolutely a terrifying sign. Our conversation:
" Hello, is this Jennifer, daughter of Juliet Austin?" he began.
Me: "yes, what do you need?"
The Rookie, " well, ma'am. I am here with your mom and miss if I can say, something is very wrong with her."
Me: "continue"
The Rookie: (stumbling over his words terribly) " I am so afraid to upset you."
Me: " I highly doubt you will, but go ahead and spit it out!"
The Rookie " we recieved 17 calls within 3 minutes of a naked woman on the interstate trying to commit suicide. I got here, and ma'am I do not think your mother is ok, she is suicidal! She has a broken beer bottle and has repeatedly stabbed herself in the neck, arms, and torso. She is refusing all medical treatment. She wants to be left here to die. Has she ever been suicidal before?"
Me: (irate at this point) "well! ROOKIE! My mother is a devout catholic and would never commit suicide. She is SACRIFICING herself to save me from the voodoo witch. Get that correct first and she may allow you to get her treatment!"
The Rookie: a long pause then "well, ma'am how long has she been considering sacrifice?"
Me: " I guess at least a few days, but sacrificing herself is new to me. Put her on a psych hold and I will call her doctor."
The Rookie: "ma'am, I called you from my personal phone because I was so concerned about your mother. I will do my best to get her the help she needs."
Me: "I wish you the best of luck with that! I will call her doctor. Goodbye."
   As I sighed while hanging up, I glanced at my husband who was driving us onward to our vacation. He was driving with hands at a perfect 10 and 2, not his usual 6 o'clock,  his lips folded in, and his face beet red. I asked " what the hell is wrong with you?" One look in my direction and the laughter burst from within him! "Do you think my mother trying to sacrifice herself is funny?" That did it, he had to pull over. With tears in his eyes from the now hysterical laughter, he explained "while you were 'schooling' the rookie, nice name for this one might I add, you certainly didn't think before you spoke!" I was livid now, I raged "what is your problem, you are being so insensitive! I can't stand you!" He said "I am sorry honey, but I won't be surprised if you end up on a hold!" It was then that I realized what I had said. Yes, it was me explaining sacrifices and witches. I was now laughing too. Truly, that poor officer was probably scratching his head as to why I, the "supposedly sane" one, was my mom's emergency medical contact! Oh how we laughed together. A nice respite from the usual tears. While the situation was in no way a laughing matter, somehow my mistake made it better; it lightened my burden.
         My mother was hospitalized, medicated, and released 96 hours later. She was on to new missions and quests. Of course,  I got her out of that trouble too.