Season Reasoning

The last few months have been chaotic for me. I am still very unclear as to my mother's charges against her, her condition, her psychological state, etc... With the holidays singing in the air, I have struggled terribly to be happy with everyone else. My mind keeps going back to the most ridiculous scenarios I have dealt with for the last decade and a half.

One memory that refuses to leave my mind is how my mother was treated, in my presence, by a mental health tech in Lake City, Florida. My mother had been on a "petty crime" spree and the jail transferred her to an indigent facility, I later transferred her to a better facility in Gainesville, Fl. The building was beige, all beige even the chairs. It stunk and it was tiny. There were 30-40 patients in a small T.V. room to the side of the intake room where I met police as they transferred my mom. She had been there just the previous week and getting her transferred the week before had been unsuccessful by phone, so I chose to drive the 100 miles to do it in person. It was required that this facility take her vitals before we loaded her back into the police cruiser and head south to her usual facility. I stepped in quietly and listened as the barely-eighteen tech began taking her vitals. My mother was calm and doing as he asked, raising her arm for the blood-pressure cuff, lifting her tongue for the thermometer, etc..

He began speaking to her extremely condescendingly, but I knew he didn't know who I was so I chose to keep my mouth shut. He began "Now Juliet, are you going to behave for me this time?" She was still being perfectly cooperative. He continued "You don't want this to get physical again do you? You aren't going to act like you did last week, you saw how that ended for you!" and with his last statement I opened my mouth. I questioned first "do you realize I am her daughter?" He shook his head no, then decided to jump to his own defense, "you didn't see it! She was a wild woman!" I cut him off "and she is being perfectly fine now. I understand she can get belligerent, but you are trying to instigate her to action!" "I am not!" he retorted. With my smirk and head wobble I began my speech "if I am here right now and you are speaking to her this way, what are you doing to the family-less patients here? I do believe you are the reason my mother had 2 black eyes last week, I was suspicious of that, but now I know!" His supervisor came out to intervene and "deescalate" the "situation." He explained the tech was new and please forgive his indiscretion. I refused forgiveness and demanded he be fired, the supervisor looked at me blankly and said "no!" I requested his supervisor, whom conveniently was on vacation, and a contact number. I called numerous times and was never contacted nor informed whether the tech still works there. I cannot let go of what my mind tells me happens to those patients that don't have family willing to intervene.

It is extremely difficult balancing having my mother around when I have 4 children myself. I often worry, and am blatantly told by some, that her being around my kids will damage them somehow. I never choose her over my children, when an incident beyond control takes place, thankfully there have only been a few. My children love and accept my mother. My older two understand there are issues that play into the often strange advice that comes from her, but they have a tremendous understanding of how delicate our minds truly are. They are fully aware of how grateful they should be for their minds and ability to think. The twins adore my mother, and while sometimes they know she does silly things, she meets them at their level and they have a kinship with one another. If it weren't for my being unwilling to forget my mother, I don't know what would have happened to her.

Yes, "letting her go" would realistically be "simpler" for me, but deep within me I cannot do it! I rarely receive thanks from my mother, but when I do it is touching. My heart hurts for those like my mother defenseless and in our justice system. They have no one fighting for them, no one in their corner, and are often "demonized" by local media. They receive no fair trial, because so many have used "insanity" pleas, and accept whatever heavy-handed judgement is deemed. They sit in prisons, often being taken advantage of by other inmates, and waste away. No visitors, no letters, no commissary money, nothing. Those that make it to hospitals for their sentence often end up in indigent care where "techs" are a dime a dozen and provoke their illness.

I am currently working on getting my mother's official police incidents, papers, etc... I have help from a family member that is an attorney and she has been such an amazing gift! Truly I hope my mother will not die in a prison in Georgia, but the possibility remains. The next time you see a "demonized" criminal whose actions seemed unreal, they may have been. They may be like my mother.

Laughter Gets Me Through It

        While many people are often shocked to hear what I have been through with my mom, many times I choose to laugh rather than giving in and crying myself to sleep. Police officers have become street psychiatrists; unfortunately, this is neither fair to the mentally
Ill facing arrest nor the officer. A rookie officer got "broke in " well a couple years back when he called me, my mother's official contact in these situations, to inquire of her "mental state."
        My mother had been hallucinating for weeks and fasting to purge demons from her life.  Many midnight calls had been received from her at my house; in each, she was frantically begging me to seek forgiveness from the voodoo witch I had apparently pissed off. The witch had sent a message to my mother, via a german shepherd in my mother's yard, that I must be sacrificed for my sins. I ignored these as usual, did not call the police for a welfare check because I knew it was futile with as elusive as my mom can be in these episodes, and hoped she would somehow get herself placed on a mental hold. My mother was being tormented by the demons she saw and they were commanding her to do as they wished.
         She later described these events to me, I am explaining them prior to my phone call from " the rookie" ( I have names for them I make up) to help set the scene. The events she described:
      Her priest had given her special prayers to ward off the demons tormenting her. As she began the prayers, with rosary in hand, her house began to shake. The walls moved as if flags driven by the wind and the floor became gelatin like. This opened a portal for demons, sent by the witch, to interact with her. They told her she was no match for them and they were now attacking her seven fold. They threatened to dismember me and spread my bowels in the great lake of fire if she did not do as commanded. They began by making her remove her clothes then walk to the riverbank beneath her home. As she looked out across the moon blanketed water, she saw the orange glow of gator eyes. The demons commanded her to get in. She pleaded not to and again they threatened me. She did as she was told. She said they made her stay until dawn. When the sun rose, the demons commanded her to walk to a nearby home. There was a young mother outside playing with her toddler son. The demons commanded she kill them, my mother begged them to kill her instead. The demons replied "instead of killing them, walk to her garden and pee in it." My mother did as she was told and was commanded to walk into the woods and not stop until the demons returned to direct her. For four nights she wandered in those woods until the demons returned. They promised not to kill me if she walked to the interstate and committed suicide in the median for all the world to see. She obeyed.
     With the back story in mind, hopefully, understanding of my actions with "the rookie" might make sense. I hadn't heard from my mom for ten days (truly a short time in comparison to her usual) when I received the officer's call. I knew it was an officer by the area code, I also knew it wasn't being routed through the dispatch team at the sherriff's office, this was a personal cell phone; absolutely a terrifying sign. Our conversation:
" Hello, is this Jennifer, daughter of Juliet Austin?" he began.
Me: "yes, what do you need?"
The Rookie, " well, ma'am. I am here with your mom and miss if I can say, something is very wrong with her."
Me: "continue"
The Rookie: (stumbling over his words terribly) " I am so afraid to upset you."
Me: " I highly doubt you will, but go ahead and spit it out!"
The Rookie " we recieved 17 calls within 3 minutes of a naked woman on the interstate trying to commit suicide. I got here, and ma'am I do not think your mother is ok, she is suicidal! She has a broken beer bottle and has repeatedly stabbed herself in the neck, arms, and torso. She is refusing all medical treatment. She wants to be left here to die. Has she ever been suicidal before?"
Me: (irate at this point) "well! ROOKIE! My mother is a devout catholic and would never commit suicide. She is SACRIFICING herself to save me from the voodoo witch. Get that correct first and she may allow you to get her treatment!"
The Rookie: a long pause then "well, ma'am how long has she been considering sacrifice?"
Me: " I guess at least a few days, but sacrificing herself is new to me. Put her on a psych hold and I will call her doctor."
The Rookie: "ma'am, I called you from my personal phone because I was so concerned about your mother. I will do my best to get her the help she needs."
Me: "I wish you the best of luck with that! I will call her doctor. Goodbye."
   As I sighed while hanging up, I glanced at my husband who was driving us onward to our vacation. He was driving with hands at a perfect 10 and 2, not his usual 6 o'clock,  his lips folded in, and his face beet red. I asked " what the hell is wrong with you?" One look in my direction and the laughter burst from within him! "Do you think my mother trying to sacrifice herself is funny?" That did it, he had to pull over. With tears in his eyes from the now hysterical laughter, he explained "while you were 'schooling' the rookie, nice name for this one might I add, you certainly didn't think before you spoke!" I was livid now, I raged "what is your problem, you are being so insensitive! I can't stand you!" He said "I am sorry honey, but I won't be surprised if you end up on a hold!" It was then that I realized what I had said. Yes, it was me explaining sacrifices and witches. I was now laughing too. Truly, that poor officer was probably scratching his head as to why I, the "supposedly sane" one, was my mom's emergency medical contact! Oh how we laughed together. A nice respite from the usual tears. While the situation was in no way a laughing matter, somehow my mistake made it better; it lightened my burden.
         My mother was hospitalized, medicated, and released 96 hours later. She was on to new missions and quests. Of course,  I got her out of that trouble too.