As a child, I spent many, many long road trips and often times extreme-hiking trips with my mother. Being a schizophrenic, she went when she got "god's orders." Sadly, "god" forgot to mention little kids need to eat. I would walk and ride with her mile after mile after mile. When we ran out of gas, we walked. Depending on which mission she was on, we couldn't stop unless she said so. Most times, she would get distracted and I could find a way to steal a meal. A meal was a snickers bar and if I got really gutsy a bottled water. I was good at it or maybe gas station employees knew I was starving. I got caught once, but quickly stole a dollar from a little old ladies purse. To this day, I still love snickers, but pay for them now.
Going 12-30 hours without food as a child was torture. As I aged, I kept a "kit" on hand at all times. One can of creamed corn and one can of sweet peas. I even brought can-openers. I remember, when I was around 11, my older sister realized I brought these items everywhere I went when I stayed overnight with her. She asked "why is there a can of corn and a can of peas in your bag?" I answered quickly, "I really like corn and peas!" She explained she could get some if she didn't already have any. What she didn't realize, was hers wasn't the only house I went to with the items in tow.
Many things from my childhood boiled over into my life even now. I don't cry, if it starts I dry it up with a quickness. No one cared when I was little if I cried or not, so I guess I learned not to. I want to cry so badly! I also read every street name as I pass. Every intersection! Survival techniques die hard I'm afraid. There are other "lingering effects" I won't discuss, simply because it hurts to tell them and since I can't cry, it will frustrate me. Trying to "break" old habits is beyond difficult.
When I look back and try to determine which ones originated where, then decide if they are useful, it is overwhelming! For instance : My husband HATES road trips with me! The entire drive from Florida to Arkansas must have been torture for him. I have this overwhelming need to know at our current distance (adjusted about every 10 miles) and speed what time will we arrive at X destination. After determining the distance and time frame desired I insist on a steady speed at the preformulated rate. I have tried not to do this, but it is beyond my control! I cannot keep myself from doing it. If I try, I look on the verge of peeing myself and he instinctively knows and tells me the speed he is traveling. I check the map, note the time, plot mileage, and announce what time we should arrive. Normally 2 hours of my questioning and he is driving 120 at a 10-2 position floating in "the zone."
These "annoyances" are hard to break! I have decided to give up actually, the little thief in me is refusing to let go of her stolen goods. Who says I need to break them anyway? Why am I pushing to break them? Does it really matter that I am impossible to ride in a car with? I understand everyone has their "little thieves" as well. Maybe a change in perspective is in order? For now, I am letting go of the "break those bad habits" ideals and just being me. Formerly tortured, now peculiar and amazing me!
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