I am what some would call "strict." I never viewed myself as strict I just have rules and parameters that are well-established and my children are expected to follow. Step out of line......they know the consequences. My 12 year old son approached me a few weeks ago asking to be homeschooled. After explaining he would need to make a convincing case for me to agree, he decided against it. Then, his grades came in. Let's just say I was not thrilled. I called the school and requested a conference with all of his teachers.
At the conference, it was determined he simply does not do the work assigned. There is no aptitude problems and I took him to the optometrist as a precaution to rule out any issues (he is getting glasses due to an astigmatism, but it has no bearing on the freedom given by his teachers for already having partial deafness he is free in class to move closer when needed). I explained BMX is his end all and be all. If any teacher saw fit to email me of his non-compliance, I would restrict him from the BMX park until his assignments were turned in. His guidance counselor interrupted me and said "Mrs. Young, we need reassurance that if he brings these grades up you will reward his efforts." "Sure" I responded "he can keep his bike." She argued further "No, Mrs. Young, he deserves further reward for turning in those missing assignments. He needs Positive Reinforcement." I know my look said "oh hell no she just went there" because I felt my neck snap around and start bobbing at the thought. "She wants me to reward my son for doing what was required to begin with?" was all my mind kept thinking. Then my sarcastic side attempted, somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut, to say "how about a big, shiny gold star for mommy's little superstar!" I left the conference fuming. No! I will not reward my son for doing what was assigned. That is rewarding wrong behavior and it is counter-productive, it serves no good purpose.
I came home and explained what the school wanted me to do to my husband and then our son. The most surprising was my son's reply ( I thought he would be boarding the positive reinforcement train). Kaleb said "No! I don't want pity! I did not do my work, I didn't want to! I thought it was dumb and don't want to be rewarded for it! I will do my work simply because I know it is expected of me!" Wow! My kid thinks like me after all! He went on further to explain BMX is his life and he will not jeopardize it by refusing to turn in assignments. This conversation sent me down memory lane to where we lived before moving halfway across country to "Positive-Reinforcement Land."
Our older two children and my baby sister were raised in a tiny Florida town until Maggie (my sister) was 13, Kaeli was 10 and Kaleb was 8. The twins were 20 months old when we moved, so they have no recollection of it. It was redneck, crazy, close-knit, and protective. Our house was the first as you "left the paved world" and around the corner was another family with a son our kid's age and further down was another with 2 sons our kid's age. There was 1 other mother and her daughter that frequented often. Our 3 properties formed a triangle which formed our children's "safe zone." There were moderately dense woods within the triangle and our three houses sat at each corner. Each of us mom's had our signature "call." There was the pit-bull, she barked at the kids. Not yelling actual barks, 2 in a row the first loud and crisp the second less pronounced and a bit more ascending. Then there was "the warrior princess" she called like Xena "aaah-yah-yah-yah-yaaaaaah!" I was the game-show buzzer "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." There was "the whip" she said nothing. She would raise her right arm stiff with all fingers squished and whip her neck around, cut her eyes downward and stare with laser-precision. "The whip" lived across town, but stayed in our triangle as often as possible.
The children all knew The Whip, The Buzzer, The Warrior Princess, and The Pitbull meant business! If they heard the sound, or felt lasers burning through their heads, they stopped immediately and assessed the situation. Were they out of line? Was there danger? It didn't matter they went to the source of the call to find out. All 4 of us knew the rules and all the kids knew the rules were the same in the triangle. Within the triangle, my children were safe, I knew any of these women would gladly lay their life down for my kids just as easily as their own. The expectations never changed from corner-to-corner. The kids thrived in the triangle. They were free to explore, experiment, get into "acceptable amounts of trouble," they developed their own little kingdom, and truly had no worries. The children's accomplishments were celebrated and punishments were upheld by each mother as deemed by that child's own parents. There was no sneaking past authority. Each child was so unique and I have to say, they are all stellar students. Each one of them has found their joy and their passions. They had a very structured freedom in their formative years and everyone of them is determined, amazing young men and women now. The triangle truly enabled them to accept responsibility for what they did; however, we never rewarded doing what they were originally expected to do and chose to avoid. That is not deserving of reward! Everyone of the "triangle children" accomplished beyond the expectations of the triangle when we lived there and every time it was a party! There is no reason to reward lazy, late effort!
The triangle is my proving-ground for my refusal to reward "beyond the usual" my son accomplishing his late work. I will not do it! My son has been celebrated time and time again for amazing accomplishments. If we reward everything, what then is really spectacular? I am certain he doesn't want "the triangle moms" coming after him.
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